This past Thursday I went in for my weekly ultrasound to check on the babies. Unfortunately at this ultrasound we got bad news. Both of our little babies heart's had stopped beating. We lost both babies.
I was given two options: 1.) Let nature take its course or 2.) Go ahead and have a surgical procedure called a D&E to have everything removed.
I chose to have the surgery and had it done the next day, Friday. Two reasons why I chose to have the surgery. It would be less painful, physically for me and we would be able to have everything tested to see if there was a genetic reason for this loss.
We are devastated. This is now our third loss, and each one, only gets harder. However, I do have to say, Both T and I have been handling this much better than we expected. It's not easy, but we are hopeful that maybe these two beautiful children of ours will be able to help give us answers and only help us to one day bring home a child to raise and love.
For now, we have no idea what our plan is. Right now, we have decided to take a break until further notice from pursuing our dreams of becoming parents. We want to take this time to find each other again and to reconnect. We want to be able to enjoy the Holiday's with our families. And for now, this is all we know.
We have appreciated all of your love, your support, and your prayers. We know the prayers have been answered. These children we were blessed with for such a short time were always God's children. So we know they are in His loving arms, and, sometimes I just think that has got to be such a wonderful thing. I know they are loved and being taken care of.
I know so many of you have invested in our journey and have followed us from the beginning of this year. And I hope I've been able to help someone in someway through this journey. For now, we don't know what the future will bring, but we do know that God is with us, carrying us through. And we know we still have all your love an support and really, we are so grateful.
I'm not sure what will happen to this blog, I'm not sure if we will share when we decide to try again. I'm not sure where we go from here. But T and I are in this together with God guiding us through.
Again, thank you all so much. We love you all.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Friday, November 02, 2012
The News You've All Been Waiting For.
I've been struggle for a while about when to post this. I know many of you have been following our story for a while now, and have invested a lot in us. This is not an easy time. It's been actually been quite nerve wrecking and scary. And by no means are we even close to being out of the woods yet.
But, the news is, Today, we are pregnant.
I can tell you it's not the same excitement or enthusiasm as the first time, or even the second time. After you've been through this for so long and have experienced a few losses, it's by no means easy. Each day goes by and I worry. I worry I'll see spotting the next time I go to the bathroom, (Which, since we've known I have experienced, and it's terrifying to see). I worry that the next ultrasound I go to, the growth will have stopped. I worry that the growth is too slow and eventually will just stop. There is just so much to worry about, and by no means are we cleared. We've known actually now for 3 weeks. I took a home pregnancy test early and it came back positive. I went in for my HCG blood tests and they at first, went up appropriately, and then didn't quite make the 60% increase they look for. I went in for my first ultrasound yesterday and all that was there to see so far was one gestational sac. So, you can see, this is not easy. But, we are optimistically cautious, as is our RE. But, from here, we can only continue to pray and thank God for this blessing and this miracle that we have now. We can only hope that He will continue to help our little miracle grow strong and healthy. We can only take it day by day. My next ultrasound isn't until next Friday, (today is 10/27/2012, and I'm making note of this, because I'm not even sure I will go ahead and post this today).
Yes, I am scared, but I put my trust and hope in God. He has His guided hand through all of this. And that's what I need to lean on.
And, Just for those of you who read this who may be interested and who will understand, here are my HCG test with doubling times and the percentage of the increase. For those of you who don't understand what you are seeing, I will try my best to explain. The doctor likes to see this pregnancy hormone increase by at least 60% every other day. And a "normal" doubling hour of anywhere from 31-72 hours.
But, the news is, Today, we are pregnant.
I can tell you it's not the same excitement or enthusiasm as the first time, or even the second time. After you've been through this for so long and have experienced a few losses, it's by no means easy. Each day goes by and I worry. I worry I'll see spotting the next time I go to the bathroom, (Which, since we've known I have experienced, and it's terrifying to see). I worry that the next ultrasound I go to, the growth will have stopped. I worry that the growth is too slow and eventually will just stop. There is just so much to worry about, and by no means are we cleared. We've known actually now for 3 weeks. I took a home pregnancy test early and it came back positive. I went in for my HCG blood tests and they at first, went up appropriately, and then didn't quite make the 60% increase they look for. I went in for my first ultrasound yesterday and all that was there to see so far was one gestational sac. So, you can see, this is not easy. But, we are optimistically cautious, as is our RE. But, from here, we can only continue to pray and thank God for this blessing and this miracle that we have now. We can only hope that He will continue to help our little miracle grow strong and healthy. We can only take it day by day. My next ultrasound isn't until next Friday, (today is 10/27/2012, and I'm making note of this, because I'm not even sure I will go ahead and post this today).
Yes, I am scared, but I put my trust and hope in God. He has His guided hand through all of this. And that's what I need to lean on.
And, Just for those of you who read this who may be interested and who will understand, here are my HCG test with doubling times and the percentage of the increase. For those of you who don't understand what you are seeing, I will try my best to explain. The doctor likes to see this pregnancy hormone increase by at least 60% every other day. And a "normal" doubling hour of anywhere from 31-72 hours.
10/15/12 – 290
10/17/12 – 471 ( 69 hour doubling
time)(63% increase)
10/19/12 – 701 (84 hour doubling
time)(48% increase)
10/21/12 – 1098 (74 hour doubling
time)(56% increase)
10/23/12 – 1777 (68 hour doubling
time)(63% increase)
So, this is where we are at today. Your continued prayers would be greatly appreciated if you have the time. Thank you all so much for all you thoughts and prayers up to now. Thank you all for your support, kindness, and encouragement though this all.
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I ended up waiting to post this. I was just too nervous and sacred of what our next ultrasound appointment would should. And, to be honest with you, I'm still nervous and scared, only now, it's times two.
That's right family and friends. This morning T and I went in and we were able to see two beautiful babies measuring 6 weeks and 1 day each. And they both had a heart rate of 125. They both look well and look like they are growing strong.
Like I said in my earlier post though, we still have many, many hurdles to jump through. And now that we know we have twins, we are still being cautious. And all your continued thoughts and prayers would be so much appreciated as now I'm considered high risk.
T and I am still in shock. This is not something we expect but we are thrilled and happy. Only one embryo of the two took, that means the one embryo we put back in split. When I stop and think about it, it's just so crazy. We are looking forward to this crazy life that God has blessed us with, we are so Very thankful, this Thanksgiving season for these 2 beautiful little blessing.
(And I'll be honest, I am still very nervous about posting this, but I didn't want to continue to keep you all waiting since you all have been following our story and have offered so many prayers so far. We couldn't be any more thankful for you all and the prayers you have prayed for us! Thank you!)
And here are our little babies - they look like blobs right now, but they are the most beautiful little blobs we've ever seen!
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I ended up waiting to post this. I was just too nervous and sacred of what our next ultrasound appointment would should. And, to be honest with you, I'm still nervous and scared, only now, it's times two.
That's right family and friends. This morning T and I went in and we were able to see two beautiful babies measuring 6 weeks and 1 day each. And they both had a heart rate of 125. They both look well and look like they are growing strong.
Like I said in my earlier post though, we still have many, many hurdles to jump through. And now that we know we have twins, we are still being cautious. And all your continued thoughts and prayers would be so much appreciated as now I'm considered high risk.
T and I am still in shock. This is not something we expect but we are thrilled and happy. Only one embryo of the two took, that means the one embryo we put back in split. When I stop and think about it, it's just so crazy. We are looking forward to this crazy life that God has blessed us with, we are so Very thankful, this Thanksgiving season for these 2 beautiful little blessing.
(And I'll be honest, I am still very nervous about posting this, but I didn't want to continue to keep you all waiting since you all have been following our story and have offered so many prayers so far. We couldn't be any more thankful for you all and the prayers you have prayed for us! Thank you!)
And here are our little babies - they look like blobs right now, but they are the most beautiful little blobs we've ever seen!
(Sorry it's sideways.)
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