So, it's been just over a week since my last post. I always try to avoid posting during this time. I just, I don't know what to write about. My mind has been over taken by so many thoughts. Did this work? Will this be our take home baby? Will be once again be overcome by grief? Or will we for once, be overcome with joy? Can I eve have joy if this works? Will I even be excited again if this works, or will I just live in fear that at any moment something will go terribly wrong.
I just wish, and I pray all the time for a clam heart. I pray that I can just rest in the arms of Jesus and trust in him. But, I'm being honest, as much as I want to believe, it's just so difficult. I do, don't get me wrong, but I've come to notice over the course of my 29 years of life that faith and trust can grow, but it can also dwindle. Right now, I have faith, but once again, it is as tiny as that mustard seed. I know that everything that God has put into my life and my husbands life has been His plan for us and through it all, I know He loves me, He loves us. It's hard to know, But deep down in my heart, I know He does, and I know His plans are not meant to hurt, even thought they do, but they are meant to build us. This past Sunday at church this part of the message hit me. It's not that I never heard it before, it's not that I didn't know, but sometimes, even if we have heard something a million times before, we just have that moment. "God sometimes brings us flat onto our backs to help us realize we were the ones who have walked far away, and that He has always been there waiting for us".
It's hard, it's difficult. Infertility has taken so much from us. It's taken time away, it's taken finances away, it's taken friend's away, it's taken patience... It's just always taken. But the one thing it hasn't the one thing I refuse to let it take for me is my trust in my Lord. He knows the plans he has for us. I trust in those plans. I trust that one day He will bless us with a child.
Well, those are my thoughts for the day. Please don't worry. Once we know, we will share with you all when we are ready to share what the results will be. Thank you all again, And I don't think I can thank you all enough for all your prayers and thoughts and encouragement.