Convincing hope, what is it? Well, it's where I'm trying to convince myself I have hope. Trying hard to believe I have hope. See, as much as I've talked about having hope, the truth is, I'm afraid. I'm afraid we will never be blessed with healthy children. I'm afriad that will never happen for us. Maybe, since I'm trying to convince myself to have hope; that means that I have a small bit of hope hiding some where.
I'm afraid that we will never have a healthy child to raise because both times I've been pregnant, it's ended in a loss. Over 2 years of trying, 2 pregnancices, 2 losses. I'm scared, because both losses, medically, indicated there was no baby. My first miscarriage was called a blighted ovum. That's where a yolk sac develops, even a placenta, but medically, there is no baby to see with in that yolk sac. This miscarriage is called a chemical pregnancy. That's where the embryo implants, but stops growing so early that nothing can even be seen on an ultra sound. The only indication of a pregnancy is through the blood tests. So medically, in both cases, there was never a baby. Now that doesn't mean that T and I don't believe we had children. We believe we are parents to 2 babies. We believe that life begins at conception. So to us, we did have children. But, the reality is, I'm scared I'll never have a viable clinical pregnancy that leads to a healthy "take home baby".
Maybe, after our appointment tomorrow afternoon, I'll feel differently. But right now, I'm just scared, and sad. I do trust in God, I do trust He know's what's best for us. But it just hurts so much when you have that strong, deep desire to have children, to be a mother. And I know T have those same feelings. I know he hurts, I know he wants to be a father so bad. And that hurts me even more because I feel like I'm failing him. Not being able to give him his dream of being a father. Yes, I admit, sometimes I feel like it's my fault. I mean, let's think here for a second. It's my body, my body that is preventing this from happeneing. But please know, I don't blam myself. I just think this from time to time. And yes, it does hurt.
I just thought today, I would share some of the real thoughts I deal with. Let it there, make myself vulnerable to you. Why, I'm not sure. Maybe to help you understand where I'm at, maybe to show you some of the real things someone who is dealing with infertility feels, thinks.... But there it is. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a brighter day. And I am thankful for our 9 other "snow babies" Our 9 other babies waiting for us and the chnace to try again.