There is a story in the Bible, The Old Testament, about a women named Rachel. She was a beautiful young women. And a man named Jacob fell hard for her. He asked her father for her hand in marriage and her father told Jacob that he had to work for him for 7 years. Because Jacob loved her so much, he worked for those 7 years. And Rachel's father decived him by giving Jacob his first born, Leah. And Jacob did not know this until the wedding night. Jacob went to Rachel's father and asked why? Rachel's father responded that is was not custom to have the youngest daughter married before the oldest. If Jacob wanted to still marry Rachel, he had to work for her father for anthoer 7 years. Jacob did so, and to him, those 7 years only seemed like days because of the love he had for Rachel. Finally, Jacob was able to marry Rachel.
Leah, Jacob's first wife, give birth to many sons of Jacob. Rachel, she was barren. She was full of sarrow that she could not have children. In fact, she told Jacob, "Give me children, or I shall die!". At that moment, Jacob reminded Rachel that God was in control. That he had no control over the situation. And, she gave her maid servant to Jacob to marry, in the hopes that her maid servent could have children and Rachel could raise them as her own. Leah, being jelous of her sister because Jacob had more love for Rachel, also gave Jacob her maid servant. Both were able to have children with Jacob. And Leah still went on to have more sons. God blessed Leah with children because he knew that Jacob loved Rachel more and that Leah was not loved by Jacob as much as Rachel. But finally, after many years, God had remembered Rachel, and he had opened up her womb. She bore a son for Jacob and named him Joesph.
I told you this story because I just heard this story a week ago at church. And the sermon was on God's love for us. Using Jacob's love for Rachel as the example. But this sermon hit home. And one of the questions that was left for thought was, "How important is it for a woman to be a wife and a mother?" I'm sure that answer is different for anyone who reads it. But this whole sermon made me think in a different way. It opened my eyes and made me realize, I am Rachel. I have that jealousy towards others, that strong desire to be a mother. I try not to let it get to me but it has, I am only human. And I end up being more sad for myself.And I'm still waiting for that blessing, for my womb to be opened.
Infertility is a difficult and hard journey to be on. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Yes, you read that right. Our IVF cycle did not end in the way we had hoped and prayed for. And why God is giving us this Journey, I don't know. We may never know. But, let me share what's happened over this last week.
Monday morning, Test day. I went in, had my blood drawn, and went home and waited. And waited. Finally, hours later, I recieved my phone call, "Congradulations! You are one of the lucky ones! Your HCG level is at 450, and your progesterone is at a 60! Those are great numbers for this point in a pregnancy! Please continue your PIO and Estrace and we will see you back in Wednesday for repeat blood work to make sure your HCG levels are doubling at an appropriate rate!"
Wonderful news! We were beyond elated! So eaxcited, but yet, we were still nervous to tell anyone, We wanted to wait until we got the results back on Wednesday before we shared any news.
Wednesday morning, Repeat the blood work, wait. And wait. Finally the phone call comes in, "We like to see the HCG levels double, and unfortunalty your's have actually decresed from 450 to 350. I'm so sorry, but this is indicative of a loss, 98% of the time. Please continue your PIO and Estrace and we want to see you again on Friday just to make sure your levels aren't going to go back up.
Heartach sets in, that's it. It's over. Not again. Why are we being blessed only to have it taken away again. It feels so cruel and mind numbing...
Friday comes, repeat blood work, and today I get an ultra sound and exam as well. Nothing shows on the ultra sound, which is normal for the levels being so low. But this indicates what is called a chemical pregnancy. I wait for the blood results, they come back, my levels have dropped again from 350 to 198. I am to stop PIO and Estrace and wait for bleeding to begin and I have to continue to go back in to have my HCG levels monitored until they get back to a negitave.
Needless to say, it's been a very up and down week. I think that it would have been much easier to get trhough if IVF just didn't work at all. But the fact that I did get pregnant, and then to find out it's a loss. Not cool. But T and I are doing well. We've spent a lot of time in prayer. We are not exactly sure what happens next, and I don't think we will ever have an answer as to why we are losing this baby. But we do have an appointment with our RE on Tuesday. And hopefully, we will be able to come up with our next steps. Where we go from here...
Again, thank you all so much for all your thoughts and prayers. No words can begin to express how thankful we are for you all, our friends and family. For all your support, for all your love. We would not be able to get through all this with out you.