A Husband's Perspective - Part 1

I asked my husband if he wouldn't mind sharing his point of view for you while we are still in NIAW. Today is Day 5 and here is his first part of his story. He'd like to do a post every so often to help you all understand what infertility is like from this perspective.

A husband's perspective:

What do I think about all this? Do I fill all of my time up with work? Volleyball? Softball? Computers? Rooting my phone? Watching Movies? Listening to music? I would much prefer to do all of this first prior to dealing with infertility. Running away from the problem sounds great. A lot of people just run away from their problems, why can't I do it too? What is the point of even trying to deal with. I would rather give up. Most people do give up when faced with this disease. Some because of finances, and they just can not afford to go on or try another possible solution to the problem. Some because they just decided that they can not live with this problem and it splits up a couple. I know of one such couple that this disease tore them apart and now they are no longer married because they could just no longer deal with this problem mentally. Now maybe it was the best thing for them not to be together anymore, but that is not for me to judge or determine. The fact that people could run out of money when faced with this disease just to try to have a child makes me sick to my stomach. Insurance covers preventing pregnancy but we can cover getting pregnant? The fact that treatment costs so much is ridiculous. When crazy folks that are smoking and drinking while walking down the street pregnant are aloud to have children, then those that have difficulty having children should be covered to have coverage to help. And while I am rambling on that subject, really how are these people able to have no problem in getting pregnant but me and my wife have lots of problems? Also I do not like that show teen moms on MTV. Can't stand that daysie wastes DVR space for that show... anyway I digress.

So my perspective, I believe that God has put this issue in our marriage to help strengthen it, I believe that we are and will continue to grow closer together as we deal with this mental roller coaster of a disease. My goals so far have been to do the complete opposite of everything above. My goals are to work hard at being a part of this process, to learn about it, to be with my wife through this all, and to not run away. I would like to be with my wife, and after the last few months I feel as though that we are moving closer together. Yes I am still learning and I am not perfect, and I will continue to make mistakes but I am trying my best to make this work. I am in this for the long haul. I believe that we can help others as well as we go through this process and to help others in the future as they go through it, as they have helped us. With Financial help, finding and donating fertility drugs, helping by even providing a car ride to the doctors office, whatever we can do to give back to those and others in the community that have given so much already to us.

So What is God teaching me through all this? What am I going to take away from this? I honestly have no idea. But I do know that God has a reason, what that is, I have no idea. And I have no idea when I am going to learn about it. The only thing I can do is to continue to pray and be patient. Do I think that IVF is going to work? I have faith that God will provide in whatever He decides that He would like to do with both my life and my wife's life. This is only the beginning of this chapter in our lives. Whats next only God knows and He knows that I am listening patiently. I just need to continue to rely on Him. This is it for now, but don't worry I will weigh in from time to time with how I am doing and with what perspective. Until the next time.... God Bless.

Don't Ignore Infertility.

"This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Infertility is a heart-wrenching, relationship-testing, faith-questioning, life altering experience. Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age, so, chances are, you have a friend or family member who has, is or will have to deal with infertility. For many this is a silent journey, but no one should ever have to face this alone. Show your support this week and keep in mind those individuals who deal with the emotional and financial struggle of infertility every day."

As you all know already, I have shared where our journey to starting our own family has taken us. During this week, I just wanted to help you understand a little more about Infertility and it's effects. I can remember the first few months of trying and how are it was to see negitve test after negitive test. I can remember after we hit the 1 year mark and how much it hurt everytime someone asked me when we were going to start our family or asked why we didn't have any kids yet? Many people don't realize how invasive and hurtful this question really is. I know I didn't until we starting wondering what was going on. I know how hard it is to be the face of loss. I also know how are it is to hear people tell you, "When the time is right for you it will happen", or "God's timing is perfect timing", or "Maybe it's just not in God's plan for you", (Let me tell you, this one hurts the most, this one is like stabbing a wound that has finally just begun to heal, over and over again.), and hearing everyone explain to me that we just aren't doing it right or we need to do this or that. Let me tell. We;ve tried it all. And, I just don't understand how someone can tell us we are doing it wrong. Really, That's just silly.
So, within this week, I just wanted to share with you some facts about Infertility. How it effects the husband. How it effects other family members. And what you can do to help.
This year's NIAW's theme is "Don't Ignore". Don't ingorne that infertility exists. Don't ignore the feelings of loss people how are dealing with this have. Don't ingnore time, this one is big for me. Really, if you are someone who is struggle to get pregnant. Don't wait to reach out for help. Don't ignore the streagth it takes. Infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age. And those who struggle with it, mostly do so in silence.

Here are a few facts about infertility (curtiousy of Resolve.org)
What is infertility?
Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has had one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse, or if the woman has suffered from multiple miscarriages and the woman is under 35 years of age. If the woman is over 35 years old, it is diagnosed after 6 months of unprotected, well-timed intercourse.

Who gets it?
Infertility is a medical problem. Approximately 30% of infertility is due to a female factor and 30% is due to a male factor. In the balance of the cases, infertility results from problems in both partners or the cause of the infertility cannot be explained.

What are the risk factors?br/> •Weight
•Age
•Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)
•Tubal Disease
•Endometriosis
•DES Exposure
•Smoking
•Alcohol

What are the signs and symptoms?
Often there are no signs or symptoms associated with an infertility problem. Listening to your body and getting regular checkups will help to detect a problem. Early detection and treatment of a problem are often critical in achieving successful pregnancy outcomes later.

How is infertility treated?
Medical technology now offers more answers and treatment options to men and women trying to conceive a child. From hormonal treatments, ovulation induction and Intrauterine insemination to more advanced technologies like in vitro fertilization, ICSI to surrogacy, egg/sperm donation and even embryo donation. For more information on treatment of infertility visit the Family Building Options section of our site.

What medications are used?
There are a variety of medications used to treat infertility. It is important to understand the medications and what their purpose is and to speak with your physician about the medications that will be used in your specific treatment plan. Read more about Fertility Medications.

What is artificial insemination?
Artificial insemination is now more commonly referred to as IUI (intrauterine insemination). It is a procedure used for couples with unexplained infertility, minimal male factor infertility, and women with cervical mucus problems. The procedure uses the husband's or donor's sperm, washing and treating the sperm, and then injecting it into the woman during the time of ovulation. Read more about IUI.

What is In Vitro or IVF?
In vitro fertilization (IVF) gets its name from the fact that fertilization occurs outside of the woman's body, in a lab dish instead of a woman's fallopian tubes. Typically, a woman will use ovulation stimulating drugs to produce an excess number of eggs. These eggs are surgically removed from the woman and fertilized in dish with sperm. If fertilization takes place, the physician transfers the embryo(s) into the women's uterus. Read more about IVF.


And, finally, here are some of the "Don't Ignore" Tips from the NIAW website:

•Don’t ignore opportunities to talk about infertility. Do you blog? Tweet? Teach a health class? Have a book group? Take advantage of opportunities in your daily life to share information about or bring attention to the cause of infertility.
•Don’t ignore legislation affecting infertility patients. Several pending and existing laws encroach upon the rights of the infertile to freely build their families. Help change policy and protect your rights by writing to your representative or attending RESOLVE's Advocacy Day in Washington, D.C. on April 25.
•Don’t ignore infertility support available. Infertility is a lonely road, but no one has to travel it alone. Join an online infertility forum or local support group to find a warm, welcoming environment.
•Don’t ignore people struggling with infertility. Reach out to friends or family members struggling with infertility. Ask how you can best support them in their journey.
•Don’t ignore the impact of making a donation. Every cent donated donated helps bring needed programs and services to women and men with infertility. Sign up for the Walk of Hope or create your own fundraising event in your location.
•Don’t ignore family building alternatives. You can build your family through many paths. During this week, open your mind to options that you had not previously considered.
•Don’t ignore your own strength. If you’re engaged in the fight against infertility, take a moment to recognize your courage and determination, as well as that of the sisters and brothers fighting alongside you.

I know that today's post was long. But I really wanted to take this week to help you help others. In whatever why you can. I wanted to help educate. Most importantly, I Don't want to Ignore, and I Don't want you to Ignore.
Thank you for taking the time to learn and understand, Thank you for taking the time be a support for not only me, but for the others you may know who are facing this silent disease also. Take the time to check out Resolve.org

National Infertility Awareness Week Starts Today!

To start things off for the week, I'd just like to share some videos with you that I not only found helpful, but I was able to laugh at.











These are a few. It may be overwhelming to have 2 right here but I just wanted to share a few. The last one is a music video. You can also visit http://www.increaseyourchances.org/


Be on the look out for more posts. Happy Sunday!

A Saturday Morning.

Well, I am a prat of a few web-forums for TTC and infertility. And generally, after I get my cup of coffee and sit down at my computer, I like to say good moring to the people I'll be talking to throughout the day. I usually like to ask what there day looks like and wish them a good day. And, since I'm such a coffee lover, I like to add a nice latte art photo. I just think it helps brighten their morning. If I had the ability to bring everyone a cup of their favorite morning beverage, I would, but.... That's just a little impossible. So, I hope that some e-lattes could helps.

So, On this beautiful Saturday morning, while my husband is outside mowing the lawn, I'd just like to wish you all A beautiful and bright Saturday. Is there anything going on for you today? Anything exciting to help you exscape the work week that just ended? What is your favorite morning beverage?

Well, I hope you have a great day today. :)

(Photo taken from http://life-cafe.co.za/)

Bringing Aloha Fridays Back!

In Hawaii, Aloha Friday is the day to take it easy and look forward to the weekend. So on Fridays, Kailani asks us to take it easy on posting, too. Just ask a simple question, nothing that requires a lengthy response. It’s a great way to make new blogging friends!

So, since I'm trying to get my blog back up and I always loved participating in this, I'd like to bring it back, it also give a nice break from all that infertility talk.

Today's Question is:

What is your favorite sport to play and your favorite to watch?

Me, I love playing volleyball, and I love to watch baseball and football.

Now it's your turn! Also, don't forget to go on over to An Island Life to chack out all the other posters!

Grab My New blog button!

What Happened? What Went Wrong? Why was it Cancelled?

I'm sure you are all wondering about these questions. I know I was. I just wanted to wait to update when I had a better understanding of what happened. And after I was done sorting out all my thoughts.


So, when I last left you, I had informed you that all bets were off. No IVF, no IUI, and no TI. (Now of course they cannot stop us from TI, but we didn't want to risk HOM, (high order multiples) and I didn't feel comfortble going against my doctor's advice.) Well, it was all true. I got my usual afternoon phone call, a little later than normal, expecting it to be one of the nurses telling me to trigger. That was not the case. It was one of the IVF RE's informing me that their recomendation is to cancel this cycle because I didn't produce as many follicles as they would have liked for someone my age. They felt they could do better, but they also let me know that we did have the opition to continue with the IVF if my husband and I wanted to. But there was certinaly no way we could to IUI or TI because I just ended up producing too many follicles. I ended up not only being a poor responder to the medication, but also a late responder. This happens to be unusal for someone my age and they were taken back by this as well. This is not something they see very often in the office, especially in someone who is 29 years old.


Monday night, my husband and I made the decision to cancel all together. We only had enough money to try this once this year, and we were not expecting it to turn out like this. We are still trying to figure out how we are going to be able to afford the medications I have to order again since I used most of what I had. Monday night, since we decided to cancel in the hopes that a future cycle could produce more follicles, I ended up still having to do my trigger shot to let my body ovulate the eggs I did produce. And, as I sit here and type this, I am very uncomfrotable, bloated, and in pain from ovulating. I'll spare you the rest. So, thankfully my wonderful neighbor, who happens to also be a nurse, was home Monday night and she was able to help us out with this final injection. It had to be done intermuscularly, so yes, it was that big needle in my rear. I'm so thankful, and I'd just like to let J-girl know how much I love her for helping me out with that!


On to today. I had my WTF appointment this morning at 9 am. I went back into the office to sit with one of the RE's to figure out what happend? What went wrong?
Well, there wasn't much of an answer. But here are a few causes.


1. My AMH is on the lower end of normal at a 1.2. This is Anti-mullerian hormone. This give them an idea of my ovarian function. Pretty much anything below a 1 is low. This is a newer test, so there isn't much info out there, and my doctor did tell me that there is a pretty big range, but for them, what they see in me, is at the lower end. So this is a concern, and something unusual for my age.


2. Along with the AMH, there is my FSH, Follicle-stimulating Hormone. This lets them know what my eggs suply is like. The high the number, the worse it is, the lower the better. My office begins to consider anything 10 and above to be DOR, (diminished ovarian reserve). Meaning not enough eggs. My number is at a 7.9 from my last test in January. So that is on the higher end of normal.


3. This could just be how my body is and it doesn't matter how much meds they pump into y body, I just may never produce more than this. (However, most the RE's in my office do not believe this is the case.)


So, those were the explainiations I left with.


My husband and I know we are giving this one more shot. We didn't use all the money we put out for this, but we did use most of the meds, which happens to be the most expensive part. But This is where we are at. We were given the option to start right away and try again in May as long as everything lines up. Or, we can wait until we are ready again, which if we choose to wait will be June. If I start in May I'll just go right into it, they call this natural supression, meanig I won't be on birth control or anything. But if we start in June, I'll be on birth control for supression. Either of these opitions are good and the RE's are fine with which ever one we choose. We still haven't fully decided, but as of today, we are leaning towards June. For a number of reasons. Our main conern is getting the medications though. They incresed me from 300iu of Follistim to 500iu of Follistim. This stuff is like liquid gold. It's expensive. So, today, we are doing something we never thought we would have to do, and we are asking for help, from you, our family and friends. If at all you feel lead to help us in this journey, we have opened a paypal account for donations (you can find the link to the right). Please, do not feel like you have to, only if you are led. And please know, if you are unable to, that your prayers and your thoughts and your support mean just as much. We have come to a point where we really need those as well. We thank you all so much for being so supportive of us this far, only in these last few days as you've all found out. We thank you for all you've done. You have no idea what your responses and your prayers have ment to us. This has not all been an easy road, and to have done it alone for as long as we have, I just don't know how we did it. There are no words that can express how thankful we are already.


If anyone has any questions at all about anything, please don't hesitat to ask. I'm an open and honest person. I will answer any question you have. So, here we are, today, another step forward once again.

You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. - Christopher Robin to Winne the Pooh

There is no rollercoaster ride like IVF

I don't have much to say about it right now. But, our whole cycle has been cancelled.

I don't have enough follicles for IVF, and I have too many for IUI and TI. So, that's it. There is no trying this month, or next month. It's a waiting game until we can do this again in June. I'll update more when I'm feeling better.

I'm trying not get my hopes up...

I know, that probably sounds awful. Let me explain.

After learning to chart my BBT, and after learning about OPK's and how to read my body; after going from one RE who didn't want to help us to the next; after having only gotten pregnant once and having a miscarriage in 2 years; After having surgery and 2 failed IUI cycles in between all those cycle we tried on our own and have failed; it becomes difficult to build you hope up. You're afraid to let yourself hope. You don't want to out of fear of how you will be if this cycle fails just like all the others. It's hard, and it hurts. You don't want to let yourself feel, I've come to a point where it's just another step....

So, this morning I went into the office again for more moitoring. Well, Everything looks great, just as it has in the past. My linning looks beautiful, my follicles are the right size. Now it's just waiting to see what my blood work shows, but most likely I'll be triggering tonight for IUI or TI. It's just a waiting game now to see if they can get the insurance to authorize in time to do IUI, if not, then we can only try TI.My fingers are crossed that we can do IUI though. That will give us a little bit of a better chance.

So, My linning is thicker than it's ever been, that builds my hope up just a bit more, But I don't want it too. It looks like I have 3 eggs that could ovulate, that's better than the 1 I've had in the past, again that builds my hope up a bit more, but I don't want it too. I try to remain numb, while scared for this trigger injection. It's a BIG needle. Bigger than the ones I've used. I'm sure DH isn't thrilled about giving it to me either. This one needs to go in my back end. It's and intermuscular injection. Here are some picutres. The best I can do with out having to open up a needle and waste it.

So, if everything is good, and my call this afternoon says to trigger, and everything can be worked out with the insurance then tomorrow morning and Wednesday morning we will go in for IUI. Here is where all your prayers could really help. Thank you all! We both apreciate it so much.



Where flowers bloom so does hope.
-Lady Bird Johnson

Another day of blood taken and the amazing "Dildo" Cam.

Sorry if the title offends anyone, but this is what the lovely internal vaginal ultrasound wand is lovingly reffered in the IF (infertility) World. And yes, sometimes it seems as thought that thing has gotten more action with me than my own husband, and yes, that sucks. But sometimes you just need to make light of your situation.

Moving on.... Time for an update since my last post.

Well, Thursday night my Follistim dosage was dropped from 300 iu to 275 iu. And that's because I was instructed to just use up what was left in my pen. I went in yesterday morning with my trigger injection thinking that most likely I'll be getting it and this cycle will be over. However, IF and IVF cycles, even IUI's are very much a serious roller coaster ride and anything can change on any given day.

My mom was with me yesterday since DH (dear husband) is OOT (Out of Town). After my appointment and seeing the size of the good follies I do have, I made the decision that there is now way we can completly give up on this cycle. I've already used close to $800 in meds, and I've got 2 potntionally 3 good follies. No, I wasn't going to waste this. After talking with the billing department to get some numbers and a lot of phones calls and google talking with DH, We made the decision to keep going, even thoguh this ment from switchnig from IVF to either TI (Timed intercourse) or IUI.... We are still trying to figure out which direction to go right this minute actually, but I'll possibley get back to this in a minute. Anyway, after yesterday's appointment I got the call to drop my Follistim from 300 iu to 150iu and come in the next day (which was this morning)


(Above is just a picture from google to show you what and ovary with multiple follicles looks like)


So, that brings us to right now. I went in this morning and one of the RE's in the office was doing the ultrasounds this morning, and to my surprise, she said she didn't understand why we couldn't move forward with IVF, it looks as though I've got 7 follie! What! However, I did keep in mind that anything can change and I did not keep my hopes up to converting back to IVF. She said she would see what my blood work looks like and talk with my IVF doctor and I'd get a call back like usual. Well, they called and instructed me to stick with the 150 iu of Follistim and I get to have off from the monitoring tomorrow morning! Thank goodness I get to sleep in! But things look good a far as TI or IUI goes. It looks like I've actually have 2 great looking follies with possible a good looking 3rd and of course 3-4 smaller sized ones. So here we are today, moving forward and crossing our fingers. Trying to have hope that we won't even need to do that IVF cycle in June, but that's pretty had when for the last 20 months nothing has happened. So, this could be where you could help with maybe having a little hope for us, since ours has gotten so low. Having faith since ours has slipped down a hole. We have some, and I know all it takes is to have a little faith, even if it's as small as a mustard seed. And I know that I annticapate a lot, but I try to remember what I was always told on a very special weekend I went on years ago. Don't anticapate, particapate. And that's what we've been trying to do, although at times it's difficult. But what faith and hope we do have, we are trusting in God with this.

Small little update:
Looks like we are actually going to try IUI this cycle after really talking with eachother.

When IUI doesn't work, IVF it is.

Well, I know I left you with my last post. Well, the first IUI didn't work and we tried again in February, and that IUI cycle failed as well. So, I met up with my RE to figure out where to go from here. In the end, given my diagnosis, and that fact that my endomitrosis was coming back, she suggested we move onto IVF. After a lot of thought and prayer, we decided to move forward. Now, I know what a lot of you think when you think IVF, I had thought the same things before reaching this point. IVF is NOT BY ANY MEANS AN EASY DECISION FOR A COUPLE. We didn't make this decision lightly.

This link here will help you understand In-vitro Fertilization a little better. And yes, this is the the place that I have been going to. http://ivf-de.org/treatment-options/ Please, take the time to read and understand. It would help immensly.

So here is my IVF story thus far.

Back in February when after we found out that the IUI didn't work, and we made the decision to met up with the IVF doctor, I began birth control pills again. I needed to to this in order to surpress my ovaries so they didn't produce follicles and eggs. And I met with the IVF doctor. We had discussions and meetings and we had to sing A LOT of consent forms. Then I had to go though more ultrasounds, blood work, and learning how to inject myself with medications.

Here is my list of Meds:

300 IU of Follistim - this is to help you produce more than one follicle for the cycle.

10 units of Low Dose HCG - this helps the follicles and eggs mature.

Ganerlix - Which I have yet to start, this is to help you not ovulate the follicles you;ve been working so hard to grow

The Trigger shot (HCG)(haven't taken this yet) - This is what you take 36 hours prior to Egg Retrevial, (aka ER)

After the ER -

Estrogen - to help the linning

Progesterone In Oil (aka PIO) - I haven't taken this yet either, but I hear this one is no fun, this helps sustain the pregnancy and if you become pregnant from your IVF cycle, you continue this injection throughout the 1st trimester.

Here are some more pictures of the Stims and the fun it brings:

(This picture abouve also show my Lap scars)

I'm also on an antibiotic, pre-natals, and folic acid suppliment.

So I began these injections on April 6th. Every day I have to go in for monitoring as to avoid being OHSS - Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. (You can read about that here http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/ovarian-hyperstimulation-syndrome-ohss/DS01097)

They monitor you closly too to watch and make sure you follicles are growoing and your estrogen levels are moving up nicely.

That brings us today. Not an easy day and not an easy decision to make when you've been waiting so long to get here. This morning I found out that we have to cancel this cycle. This sucks on so many levels. This whole process takes it's toll on you from every angle. Emotionally, Physically, Mentally, and Finacially. We decided to cancel with the docotr recommendation because we cannot afford to waste the finaces we have left on a cycle where I only produced 4-5 follicles and only 2 of those follicles are growing nicely. They like to see around 18-20 in someone my age. They said they don't know why someone at my age had a poor resonse to the medications. Which doesn't help at all either. You want answers, and when you don't have them, it just makes this whole process that much more confusing.

We do have a few other options since I'd hate to waste these few good eggs, but I just don't see those being an option right now. The medication is such a redicoulus cost. We'd rather wait and save what we can and try try another IVF cycle. So, now, We have to patiently wait for June to role around when we can get into the next group of IVF patients.

Any thoughts, prayers, and support is greatly appreciated. As of right now, this is where we are at. this is what Infertility does to you. It makes you crazy, sad, and leaves you feeling all alone. now matter how many people you know, or what the statistics say. You still feel alone.